I discovered something at a very deep level while doing a spiritual practice for the past 6 days.
The practice is titled:
What Do I Want
I close my eyes, and ask myself this question....I allow the responses to come from deep within. I repeat this several times, closing my eyes, feeling what comes up in images, feelings or sensations and then write them down.
At the end of 7 consecutive days I am to re-read these 7 pages highlighting what desires are consistent. These are my true desires and what I need to focus on when making decisions.
I am on day 6 today but I already see the pattern. What is coming up strongly is:
- the feeling of wanting to be me, to express myself
- to share and have companionship
- to work independently and with flexibility
My mom, who did her best to raise me, was extremely controlling of me. I was not allowed to go out to play, I couldn't sit on the floor and get dirty, I was not allowed to go to parties as a teenager, she walked me to school until I was 12 (very embarrassing in front of my friends)....all this controlling went on and on until I left home @ 20 to get married. It was a hasty decision made to get out of the house.
There have been other similar experiences in my life, generated by me because of this pattern. At 18 we moved to Dominican Republic,and it was very difficult having to conform to a completely different culture (I was born and raised in NYC in the '60s / 70's), so I felt like a fish out of water for years and years and did my best to fit in. Never did.
Doing this exercise and becoming aware of how intensely I've denied my Self helps me to love and honor my desires moving forward and make choices more aligned with who I truly am inside and not "what is expected of me". I understand better why I am unhappy at most jobs I've had. Very few have allowed me to blossom and grow and express my talents.....most have not. My desire to create my own business is rooted in this.
This is one more step going home, which is truly within.