I had a difference with someone I care for very much just this past week. When in a relationship, whether it's romantic, friendship, business, coworkers, it's hard for me to honestly take responsibility for my own creations. I tend to project onto another what I'm supposed to be doing or owning. I hide these parts of me from myself. Why is it so hard to be honest with myself? For whom do I want to keep face? What am I defending?
I find it takes really a lot of courage to look at myself and be just as I am. Sometimes it feels scary. My God, is it that I've been so ingrained to doubt myself and to believe I have to be a certain way (that's not who I really am) in order to be ok?
When I decide to look at what's going on inside me, even momentarily, I find I need to release those preconceived labels and images I have created about myself. Like what?
- I should be perfect and not make mistakes
- I need to be good and this behavior, if discovered or revealed, proves the contrary
- I will be left alone if I don't please this person
- I don't know how to express my feelings effectively so I will hide what I'm really feeling to avoid confrontations
After talking it over, writing a love letter and acknowledging my lack of responsibility with my friend, we both feel so much better and connected again.
Lesson learned. And life goes on.