I've had a self image I've worked very hard to create and keep throughout my life. It goes something like this:
- I'm a very serious woman
- There for everyone that needs me
- Good and decent
- Super woman and just about perfect
- Great mom, abnegated daughter, committed friend
- Strong, sane
Can you imagine how much energy, enjoyment, true life experience I have missed out on because of trying to be who I thought I should be? Do you know how much effort it takes to keep this "should" thing going all the way up to middle age?
One step at a time, one layer at a time, one relationship at a time, I am peeling off the false image, the "should" image, to let my true wants and desires come afloat to what life really is about.
Something inside me says "Aaaaaaagh, no more, please, Savina." In each incident or relationship, I realize it's not about what the other one wants or expects of me....it's about who I really am. What choices am I making that guide me on a path of honest self discovery?
I frightens me a bit, because having an image I can depend on to do what's "right" and "expected" feels safe. Safe, yet numbing. I say, I desire to live from a place of realness and allow myself to make mistakes (I make them any, it's part of my humanity), to learn from them, and to grow. This is what my journey has been leading me towards. Now, it's a brand new experience. Some people in my life will judge me, and disapprove of some of my choices. That scares me too. But, that cannot be avoided.
What might happen is as I am more authentic, I may inspire those around me to also release their images.